Ben ended up signing up for our 3 month Sincere Seduction Intensive course, by the end of week 3 I was very happy with his progress so far. He was slowly getting better at making women laugh, and building some basic rapport.
He had already been on a number of dates, but those dates weren’t yet going so well. In the course, I have a weekly chat with all the students, and this was my conversation with Ben on a Tuesday evening.
“So Damien, I have this problem… I meet these great women, I get their numbers, some of them agree to go on a date with me, but when I try to sexually escalate with them, they pull back and things get a bit awkward.
What’s a great sexual escalation technique you can teach me so that the women will want to have sex with me? Is there a specific set of steps I should be following when I go to kiss her?”
MYTH #4: WOMEN HAVE SEX BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD – THEY ONLY HOLD BACK BECAUSE SOCIETY MAKES THEM FEEL GUILTY
“Ahh, I’m so glad you asked me this. This is a really important mistake in perception so many men make. So as usual, let me start by asking you a question. Why do women have sex? What compels women to get it on with a guy?”
“Um… well because it feels good! I’ve never heard of a woman who doesn’t like to orgasm!”
“Haha, well yes sex definitely feels good for women too, but this is the key mistake guys make. You see, for both genders there are a lot of reasons to have sex…
For men, the overwhelmingly dominant reason is that it feels good, but we also have sex because it’s validating that we have social value. Sometimes men have sex to exert dominance, and a whole host of other reasons.
When women have sex, their reasons for doing so are usually very different to men. Sure it feels good, but that’s actually NOT the main inspiration for the overwhelming majority of women.”
“Yeah really! Women have plenty of reasons for having sex and phsycial gratification isn’t the main reason, it’s rarely even top 3! Sex for women is very intimate.. You’re allowing a man INSIDE your body!
As a man, I have no reference point for that experience, but picture it as best you can. That intimacy creates a very heightened sense of connection with another person, it makes women feel incredibly close to him.
Her body releases a whole host of bonding hormones, similar to those produced when she has a child, but in lower doses. When you feel that close to someone, you are also quite vulnerable emotionally. You are prone to feeling abused or taken for granted when you want to feel like you are special to that other person, even if it’s just for that one evening.
So, Women quickly learn not to feel safe enough to have sex unless they feel that the man finds her uniquely appealing and not just because she has a nice rack! Women also have sex because it heightens whatever emotions they’re feeling about a man at the time… So if they’re having an amazing moment with a man, sex will heighten that emotional moment drastically.”
“But that sounds like a committed relationship! What about casual sex?”
“Ahh, but that’s where most men get it terribly wrong! It has been my experience, and it’s my solid belief that if more men offered ‘Romance and intimacy for a limited time”, more women would be open to casual sex.
Instead, the majroitiy of men have a ‘pump and dump’ attitude towards casual sex, where the encounter is treated as though both parties just want the big O and after that, she should get on her way. But actually, that’s a very one-sided transaction which leaves most women feeling unfulfilled.
If you spent time before and after the sex allowing her to feel desired, appreciated, respected, and a bit romanced, then it would be an equal transaction. So I’m sure you can understand that when viewed under this lens, it becomes much easier to understand why many women don’t want to have sex outside a committed relationship. It can just be too much emotionally, and men won’t give them what they need to get sexual anyway.”
“So you mean that you almost want to create a sort of one night boyfriend experience?”
“Yes precisely! If I go out to a bar, I’m aware that the large majority of women there aren’t looking for sex. They might be hoping to find a boyfriend there, or they might just be out for a night with the girls, but very few of them have sex on the mind.
When I meet a woman, after 10 minutes, if she seems to be a kind of woman I really like, then I begin by telling that I enjoy being single to ensure she doesn’t see me as a potential boyfriend. Then she gets my 100% undivided attention – because she earned it if I’m still there after 10 minutes – and I start to build really deep rapport with her.
I find out about who she really is behind the social mask, and I make her feel validated and understood as a human being. I hold up a mirror to her most amazing qualities and make her feel really good about herself. But I’m not trying to suck up to her. I’ll point out some of her bullshit when she feeds me a line about herself that I think is self-denial.
After an hour, She’s met a funny, charming guy who has taken a deep interest in getting to know her and who now understands her in a way most men don’t. A guy who she can see respects her, a guy who has no desire to be tied down to a relationship but still offers safety and personal respect… But that guy is also sexually forward, and doesn’t hide his desire for her.
That open sexual attraction makes her feel desired, and that turns her on immensely.. It’s easy for her to get swept up and become intimate with me without commitment because I’ve given her the intimacy and safety she craves to become sexually intimate”
“Wow… That sounds… Well it sounds a bit like a crappy chick’s romance novel…”
“YES! And that’s pretty much where men should be looking for their sexual inspiration if they knew what was good for them! Those ‘crappy romance novels’ are chick porn! Men often want women to watch porn to learn what men most enjoy in bed, but never realise they should peek into a romance novel or two to learn how to please a woman..”
“That actually makes a lot of sense.”
“It does, and I’ll tell you another thing! It doesn’t matter how much god damn money or power the next guy has, if I get a chance to make a woman feel all those great feelings, he will barely exist in her mind!”
“But it sounds like you’re being awfully ‘nice’ to her – Don’t nice guys always finish last?”
“Ahhhh… See nice guys aren’t just ‘nice’, they also don’t ask for what they want. They’re afraid of causing offense, and they certainly aren’t ashamed of being sexually forward.
A nice guy says ‘I think nurses are amazing pillars of the community, you sound like a nice woman’, then hope that magically she’ll want to jump into his pants. Of course, that never happens! Instead, I’m saying ‘I think it’s bullshit that you’re a nurse because you want to help people, I believe you’re driven because you felt so helpless when you were sick as a little girl, and being a nurse gives you a feeling of control back.
I think it’s fantastic you found a way to take control back after being sick as a child! By the way, you look absolutely stunning in that dress, I can’t stop checking you out every chance I get!”
“So you are challenging her and being sexually forward at the same time as getting to really know her on a deeper level and complimenting her on deeper things rather than simple surface observations?”
“Oh my god yes! You said it perfectly! The answer isn’t to avoid being nice to her, and just be sexually aggressive as pick up artists try to achieve, or to pretend you don’t have a sexual beast lurking within, while taking care to look after her needs and not offend her as nice guys do…
Instead you take the best of both worlds! Be an unashamed sexual beast who also wants to take care of her feelings and needs at the same time – If you do that, then you are suddenly a rare gem of a man!
I mean, look at Beauty And The Beast! Or look at the Twilight Saga, or look at James Bond! There is a literary stereotype of dangerous men who have compassion and care for the women they feel affection for. I’m not really saying something women haven’t been saying already for generations”
“That’s so crazy.. I mean when you point it out, it makes so much sense. I feel like this is going to take some time to fully sink in though, let me think on it for a while…”
“I’ll say one more thing before we move on – There are lots of women out there who have sex for social validation – Because they don’t think they’re good enough for a guy’s attention unless they have sex with him, or because Sex fills an emotional void from their past that they haven’t dealt with.
My advice is to appreciate these women are going through a tough time in their life, and avoid sleeping with them because you’d just be feeding their unhappiness. It’s most guys’ choices to take advantage of these women when they find them, but in my mind that’s just spreading misery in the world unnecessarily because there’s more than enough sex to go around if you just follow my advice above.”
TRUTH #4: WOMEN AREN’T PRIMARILY DRIVEN TO HAVE SEX BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD – THEY HAVE SEX WHEN THEY FEEL SAFE, UNIQUELY DESIRED, AND EMOTIONALLY VALIDATED
Who We Are
School of Attraction is a dating education company with one motto: "Leave No Single Man Behind". We provide free and paid courses for men to achieve success with women.
Started by Damien Diecke in 2008, SOA has gone on to become Australia's largest dating coaching company, now setting it's sights worldwide.