Hands up everyone who knows what the difference between and Introvert and an Extrovert is.
Hands up everyone who wants to learn to become more extroverted so they can have more success with women.
I ask these questions in a lot of my seminars that I do around the country, and more or less every time, about 90% of the audience puts their hands up to BOTH questions. This tells me something vital. 90% of the audience is completely wrong regarding everything they’ve ever been taught about Extroversion and Introversion.
That’s why I’ve written this article. Having a greater knowledge about this greatest and most well studied aspect of human psychology will help a lot of men to stop trying to change themselves in a way that is humanly impossible, and instead focus on the strengths they were born with.
Personality profiling has been a pursuit of professional research for hundreds of years now. It’s pretty fascinating how they work out the different personality traits but unless you already know all about 2nd year statistical analysis that description would make this article too long.
Suffice to say, there are a number of different personality profiling systems out there. They don’t always agree with each other, but they do agree on one thing. That Introversion and Extroversion is THE MOST IMPORTANT personality trait, in that it has the biggest social impact on an individual of all the traits, it is also the easiest to pick from a distance.
WHAT’S AN EXTROVERT?
What makes someone an extrovert?
Well for starters, it has nothing to do with how shy you are, or how confident you are. That’s just an urban myth and a social meme that has grown over the last few decades. You become an extrovert because of a specific way your brain is wired.
Extroverts get BIG emotional stimulation when they anticipate something good, or when things go really well, i.e. lots of endorphins making them feel great. We can measure this in fMRI machines (functional magnetic resonance imaging), it’s a tangible difference in the way these individuals are wired. They also tend to be low on another personality trait called Neuroticism which very simply put, means their brains fire less stress hormones at the sight of potential danger.
What does this mean? Extroverts will take much bigger risks. They are more prone to gambling, they tend to spend more money on flashy items, they get into more debt, they have also taken greater social risks their whole lives and hence tend to be better calibrated socially. They are less loyal in friendships, and relationships because the emotional risk/payoff for them is skewed towards personal gratification.
How do you know if you are one? Extroverts ALWAYS enjoy large groups of people. They go crazy if they’re not constantly around lots of people. They are the people who you invite to the cinemas, and they arrive with 4 uninvited friends tagging along. They are the ones entertaining a group of 5 girls the whole night rather than simply pairing off for some 1:1 time. They are the ones who tend to sleep with lots of women but rarely (or can’t) get into relationships.
You will never feel like you actually ‘know’ extroverts. You know who they are, you enjoy their company well enough but you rarely get close to them. They are absolutely horrible at building deep rapport. As a result they end up with 100s of acquaintances and very few actual friends.
WHAT’S AN INTROVERT
What makes someone an Introvert?
Well they are quite opposite to their extrovert counterparts. fMRI scans of introvert brains show that their brains don’t chemically reward them that strongly for positive events, so they have a much lower risk/payoff threshold. They also tend to be higher in Neuroticism, which means they often get lots of stress hormones during dangerous situations or after negative events.
Most individuals who want to learn to be better with women in the attraction community are introverts.
Again, introversion has nothing to do with low self-esteem. Despite what people have made you think in the past.
Introverts LOVE 1:1 conversation with friends. They much prefer personal gatherings over big party style events. If you watch them in a social gathering, they will very quickly isolate one or two people into a small conversation rather than engage the whole group for a long time.
Because of their dislike of taking risks, they struggle very much to take social risks such as approach women randomly in a bar. However, once they do they usually don’t struggle to get into relationships. As a result most introverts have a history of dating only girls in their immediate social group.
Introverts form very high quality bonds with a small number of individuals, and have only a few friendly acquaintances.
SO WHAT’S IN IT FOR YOU? HOW DO YOU USE THIS INFORMATION?
Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, you need to play to your strengths when it comes to attracting women.
Extroverts – Use your ability to entertain large groups to your advantage. Approach large party groups of girls in bars/clubs, use your social skills to build social value before trying to get an individual girl’s number. When her friends love you that much, she’s bound to say yes. Create a big social group of females around you, and date their friends. Try to avoid 1:1 dates in quiet places because you will struggle in this environment. Instead take her on whirlwind dates with dancing and walking and activity. This will still excite her to the state of wanting to see you again.
Introverts – Use your ability to form strong 1:1 bonds to your advantage. When you approach groups of women, just open the one particular woman you are interested in and isolate her from the group in conversation. Even consider day game as a potentially far better way of meeting women. Avoid dates at noisy busy places like bars/clubs, instead go to places where you can have lots of rapport building conversation because that is where you shine. You may struggle with approach anxiety more than others, but remember they will always struggle to get into relationships and it’s easier for you to get 1000 approaches under your belt to desensitize yourself than it is for an extrovert to get 1000 relationships under their belt.
Keep in mind that introversion – extroversion is a scale of measurement. You can be extremely introverted or extremely extroverted, or smack bang in the middle. Generally one side will better define you than the other. If you want to test yourself out, look for a ‘BIG 5 PERSONALITY TEST’. It is the most standard form available and the most readily accepted by the big psychology brains.
Lastly, to answer my initial question about learning to be more ‘Extroverted’. Scientists and Psychologists have been trying for centuries to teach people to become extroverted, and to date nothing has ever been tried and proven to actually increase individuals’ extroversion levels. It is a genetic difference that causes introversion/extroversion. This isn’t a matter that’s being debated, it’s accepted and written into the Psychology books as fact.
The pickup literature is rife with articles telling men to learn how to be something they can’t possibly be. As an introvert, you will NEVER enjoy entertaining large groups, or the process of working a club to build social proof. You will always hate it, so why make that a part of your game?
Stop trying to change yourselves, and start using the natural skills you have and meet and attract women in a way that better suits your personality.
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About Damien Diecke
I've been a dating coach for 8 years
I’m the founder of Australia’s largest dating coaching company School of Attraction, The Author of Amazon best seller Sincere Seduction, and I’ve featured frequently on all of Australia’s major TV and RADIO stations.